February 28, 2008 - Thursday

Breaking Without Style
Current mood: stressed

Sometimes I feel like a complete fuck up, a failure and a nothing...and nothing could say more of how I feel right now than that. I'm just totally drained and working my ass off to stay ahead but it doesn't seem to be enough. God, if I can't keep up here, I guess I'll never make it anywhere and thats just fucking depressing. I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't make it here, its just...fuck I don't know. There's only one class I'm taking right now that I'm not worried about and thats a Photoshop class...the rest, I donno, I'm pulling my weight, I really am. But I don't seem to be pulling enough.

Typography kills me because my handwriting is shit because I never learned how to really write. I just some how made it through the years with chicken scratch and now its like...Shit shit shit! I'm making a C in that class and I just hope that it doesn't fall any lower or I'm screwed!!

Digital Color...FUUUUCK! The teacher told me if I don't have my image done by Wensday He'd drop me from the class...I'm like WTF?! I have a B in that class and I just need to finish one little graphic and thats it, I meet with him Friday, suppose to show him what I've got so far and I will...which means a late nap for me or no nap. That was just like a bomb, I wasn't expecting that when I've been doing pretty good in the class so far...

Life Drawing:...She's a biiitch but somehow I still like her. She's just rips you a new one almost every class over your drawings. FRICK! I haSHId like a 72 in there which is a looow C and I'm like %^@&^!!!! Sooo yea Not good, not good in the least.

And I took a bunch of test to see if like I need special attention at the school or if like I need to cut back on my hours and only take like 6 hours or something...I might be able to do that much better than 12 but I'll find out next Thursday what my options are or if I just fucking...doomed. SHIIIIIIIT!!! I'm just a loser I guess, I can't keep up and I can't handle this shit. Fuck...I just...donno, its not looking good right now.
12:10 AM
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February 24, 2008 - Sunday

What We Remember
If your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want, good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised about what people remember about you.
5:19 PM
7 Comments
February 20, 2008 - Wednesday

Today I may breath
Current mood: numb

Yesterday I left drama club...rather annoyed, there going into a direction that I'm not willing to follow so I don't think I'll be attending again. Besides that I'm getting too busy to deal with it...She wants to do things that require struction and so forth, I go there to have fun and to unwind...I don't need more stress added to my life right...especially since I haven't been taking my medication like I stated I would. But don't worry, I started it today, it'll be about two weeks before I finally start feeling ok....There's one thing.

This morning I got up, ready to go to school but I had no clothing...quite literally it was all in the wash. *twitch* I panic attacked over whether or not to try and go or not for about 30 minutes before I finally just went back to bed...I planned to go at 11 because my clothing would be dry by them. I couldn't bring myself to get up, I just curled up and went back to sleep. I don't know, I just feel so disconnected right now, I just wanna curl up and never wake up again. =/ I just donno...its not a good feeling. I'm just not...feeling with it...well I"m not really feeling anything...just numb and yet very depressed. Whatever.
3:52 AM
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January 31, 2008 - Thursday

Send Me a Bleeding Smile
Current mood: blank
..> ..>



The Razors Edge

I'm standing still but the world is spinning beneath me,

I'm lost in my own silent screaming.

I'm sinking in the disease that some share but is still my own.

The razor's edge is my only medication but offers me merely delutions of peace.

Peace of mind shatters and rises under the blade the razor's edge.

This disease holds me prisoner from deep within.

The edge forces my flesh to part and bleed out my regrets, my everything.

I'm already dead; hold a gun to my head and a razor to my wrist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Disease

Day by day everything changes, there's no way to keep a foundation of stregnth.

I fear there's non left in me, this disease strikes so suddendly, that I'm never prepared enough.

I folder, I crack, and I break into pieces.

My thoughts you see are never whole, never fully mine, part of them belong to the demon.

Shattered, broken, and fake are the thoughts that ruin me.

Never quite remembering if those thoughts truly belong to me.

Bend and frustrated; scattered are these thoughts that I forgot were mine.

Tossed into a high wind of tattered glass, sharp are the edges that strike me.

This disease holds a knife to my throat, waiting for a chance to release the pain in me.

It shakes the very soul with in, causes my touch to faulter and whatever smile I had to fade.

I'm trapped in a world that I can't comprehend, no hand is reaching out for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Emotional

E stands for the Emotion you don't get
M stands for those who Mimic what pain is
O starts for the Obvious fraud
T stands for the Tale's you start
I stands for Instantly caught in a lie
O stands for being Open which you don't get
N stands for Not understanding what hurting means
A stands the people who Actually fell for the lie you told
L stands for the Loser who believed you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Black Blade

There's a blade that hides the corner

Black as the shadows that conceal it

No one can really say what its used for

Because no one notices that its there

A razor's edge that cuts so easily through flesh as if it were only air

An edge that has been stained red but no one can only guess as to why

But still this black blade doesn't seem to have any use

The darkness seems to hide what its purpose is or perhaps its the ignorance of its use that hides it so well
~~~~~

They Don't See

The scars on her skin, etched in so deeply by the razor's edge,

the blood that pours from her skin, crimson regret.

Fresh cuts, old cuts; scars that were made to last.

People see them everyday, a new hurt and a past broken that

no wishes to see.

People see the pain, the wrecked and the ruined

but no one ever wants to deal with them.

Everyone is too busy with their own pain, their own problems

to observe the broken and the used.

Freshly pained lips and bleeding smiles,

they pretend to care, to laugh, and to love...

Empty moments and a cold embrace

No one wants to truly see whats become of us.

Crimson stained skin, a whore in the corner

cries out for her dad, a man who was never there

but still somewhere deep inside her.

Over there a kid pulls a gun just for fun and kills the

teacher because his parents never thought to tell him

that there were limits of reality and nightmares.

A husband cheats on his wife, a woman he never completely

connected to because of a florishing secret of a love

affair with another man. His parents were

never tollerant of anything but a faith that blinded them.

A daughter breaks her skin because

she never understood how to deal with the

emotion that bled through her veins.

A condition of the mind that isn't easily contained by

the medications they gave her and words that

seemed as fake as the reality that they tried to save her.

People see what they only want to see, dreams of

black and white...never really wanting to

deal with the fact that no one

is okay.
4:33 PM
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(January 30, 2008 - Wednesday

The Edge Of NO where.
Current mood: distraught

My little rant…ok I have a lot to rant about right now…First off Heath Ledger dies 6 days before my birthday…hardly know the, all I know he played a gay cowboy and was in some other movies, not a bad actor in whatever movie I saw him in. He plays The Joker…played the Joker and I'm like…omg obsessed with the psychopath who knew that the actor would plague my thoughts! But whatever right? I can pretty well deal with that problem…because it'll go away when it goes away.



That's just my first problem, second problem is on the net at this rp forum…see I started this plot with this chick, two of my characters are tied to one of hers…and she leaves. So I'm like…bye just leave the account open so I can use it and she gets all emotional and shit over the fact that I wasn't more…I don't know supportive? I'm sorry but it pisses me off that she started something and she left. I ended up saying sorry and blah blah just so I wouldn't look like a complete ass in front of the board. It's just…fuck, I don't feel sorry for reacting the way I did. She let me down completely and I'm the one apologizing for it?! What the hell?! But whatever, I don't care because I'm not the one who's wrong here, it is her and I'm just trying to move on with a plot SHE killed. Thank you so much for that. I don't feel bad for it and I won't! I just freaking won't, if she wasn't to be all…I don't know fucking stupid then she can go for it. I won't pay for something she's done but it seems I am. FUCK HER!



Now, here's the other thing…Glass…my lovely piece of sanity and my madness. Well it seems Martha is no longer here anymore, so I've heard…not only is she the sponcer for glass she's also my counsiler…I even had an appointment with her TOMORROW and she's gone!? Why does it seem like everything is going to hell around my 21st birthday?! I just don't understand what the hell is going on here, I'm lost and I'm confused…I also don't feel like I'm in control anymore. I have to start taking my meds before I start…doing things I shouldn't.

But most of all…I just don't feel like I'm there for people when they need me most or need someone to be there. I've suddenly found myself in very good company, people who actually want to help me, friends who are physically here who want to help. (Nothing at all against my very good online friends) But I'm in such good company these days, people who are actually here for me…actually act like they care. And here I am just staring stupidly when someone needs me…I just don't know how to react and I don't know how to be a better friend…better something, I don't know. I feel like I'm flailing and being selfish, being an idiot. I don't know how to be there more for others, I don't know what to do and that's not fair to them and it makes me feel…so terrible. Perhaps I'm just a selfish bastard…I don't know but God I am sorry for not being so…close as I should. =-/ But please don't take it as I don't care because I do care, I really do…I just don't know how to show it and I'm sorry to those who have felt like I don't care…but I do.



I keep asking myself what more could go wrong and I shouldn't because things keep getting worse, at first it was just annoying and kind of amusing…I mean come on who could have seen Heath dying; last role is The Joker…I mean honestly.


But now…now its just like…I'm drowning and I don't know what to do…it just keeps getting so much worse. Fuck…What do I do?
2:37 PM
January 30, 2008 - Wednesday

Don’t Love Me
Current mood: blank

Don't Love Me
Don't Touch Me
Don't Even Come Close To Me
My Soul Breaks Under The Weight Of It
I Can't Stand To Be Close To You
I Hate Your Touch
I Need Your Touch
Don't Stop
Keep Away From Me
Damn It...I Hate you
I Love You
I Need You
I Don't Need You
Fuck It
Fuck You
Please...Fuck Me.
Stop Playing With My Heart
Play With The Dreams You Starve In Me
Why Me?
Stop It
Keep Going
Please God...Kill Him
Kill Me
Please God Save Him
Save Me
Go To Hell
Take Me With you
Leave Me Alone
I Need You
Damn You
I Love You
I Don't Want You
Baby I Need You
Someone...Just Kill Me
Kill Him...
Please...Take This Pain Away
Babe I Love It When You Hurt Me
Fuck It
I'm Confused
2:33 AM
2 Comments

January 1, 1981 - Thursday

Am I Fireman (True Story)

In Phoenix , Arizona , a 26-year-old mother stared down
at her 6 year old son, who was dying of terminal leukemia.

Although her heart was filled with sadness,

she also had a strong feeling of determination.
Like any parent, she wanted her son to grow up &
fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible..


The leukemia would see to that. But she still
wanted her son's dream to come true..

She took her son' s hand and asked,
'Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted
to be once you grew up?
Did you ever dream and wish what you would
do with your life?'

Mommy, 'I always wanted to be a fireman
when I grew up.'

Mom smiled back and said, 'Let's see if we can
make your wish come true.'

Later that day she went to her local fire
Department in Phoenix , A rizona , where she met
Fireman Bob, who had! a heart as big as Phoenix

She explained her son's final wish and
Asked if it might be possible
to give her 6 year-old son a ride around the block on a fire engine

Fireman Bob said, 'Look, we can do
better than that. If you'll have your son ready at
seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make
him an honorary Fireman for the whole day.
He can come down to the fire station, eat with us,
go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards!

And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform
for him, with a real fire hat - not a toy -- one-with the emblem of the Phoenix Fire Department on it, a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots.'

'They're all manufactured right here in Phoenix ,
so we can get them fast.'


Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy,
dressed him in his uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed t o the waiting hook and ladder truck.

Billy got to sit on the back of the truck
and help steer it back to the fire station.
He was in heaven.


There were three fire calls in Phoenixthat day
and Billy got to go out on all three calls.

He rode in the different fire engines,
the Paramedic's' van,
and even the fire chief's car.

He was also videotaped for the
local news program.

Having his dream come true,
with all the love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy, that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible.

One night all of his vital signs began to
drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed
in the hospice concept - that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital.

Then she remembered the day Billy had spent
as a Fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and
asked if it would be possible to send a fireman
in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition.

The chief replied, 'We can do better than that.
We'll be there in five minutes.. Will you please do me a favor?

When you hear the sirens screaming and see the
lights flashing, will you announce over the
PA system that there is not a fire?'

'It's the department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will
you open the window to his room?'

About five minutes later a
hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital and extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor open window--------
16 fire-fighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room

With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they LOVED him.

With
His dying breath,
Billy looked up at the fire chief and said,

'Chief, am I really a fireman now?'

'Billy, you are, and
The Head Chief,
Jesus, is holding your hand,' the chief said


With those words, Billy smiled and said,
'I know, He's
Been holding my hand all day, and
The angels have been
Singing..'

He closed his eyes one last time.

September 8, 2009 - Tuesday

I kissed a girl and I liked it
So...myspace is kind of dead, none of my friends are really using it save for like two of you...and I really don't see a reason to keep it if I'm not checking it...um...so sorry, in like a week or less I'll stop this account completely...sorry >_> I'm moving all my journal stuff to livejournal...yeea

~Peace
11:46 PM
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August 24, 2009 - Monday

Complicated
Ugh, when did the world get so complicated...well no the world isn't complicated its people...so many fucking people...and all these fucking feelings...FUCK. Anyway I don't know, I'm getting so many mixed messages you know? From everyone, its just so annoying. Houston we have a problem, the wires are not connecting. I would just like for once to tell me what they think, they honestly think of me and whether or not their interested in taking a relationship a step further...instead of just walking away and leaving me looking stupid. And a tiny bit of me really does hurt from it, but only a tiny bit, nothing that really just gets to me. I guess it kind of does but more of an annoying feeling. I just want someone to love me and I'm tired of people saying be patient and all of that. As if thats the only useful advice, as if it really means a lot to me...which let me go ahead and say...it doesn't. I've been patient long enough, 5 years is long enough...I don't really count the last two bfs because their stay was o brief in my life, it hardly counts as a relationship at all...scratch that 5 years, its been 7 years and she's probably married by now. Whatever, the fact is this...I. Am. Tired. Of. Waiting. And don't you dare tell me that Patience is a virtue, I've heard it enough and it doesn't always work.

But whatever, its just a rant, but I can't help but feel tired of watching everyone else be happy with their partner. Its something I want, something I need. I want someone who is stable, more so than I ever will be. I'll never be the stable one, the one with a mind that can solve problems, I'm someone who's just...out of touch.

Nothing seems to go one's way, especially in the area of infatuation or love, so one must ask, "Why even bother, if all these attempts to avoid a life time of loneliness fail." Because the need to feel whole over rides any logic that even the most sensible person has. People seek company, seek a companion no matter what the consequences or how irrational the actions may be at the time.

This need has nearly ruined me, its not something I thought about a lot before, but now...in college you can't help but see it, its an all consuming virus that I wish I could kill, this virus has infected me...human emotions are a disease...all these feelings...and feeling them...ugh, it was easier not feeling anything, stupid shrink telling me it was ok to open up...fuck does he know!? If I didn't feel anything I wouldn't have had near as much trouble as I do now. I want to shut everything out, I don't want to feel anything anymore, I wouldn't have this need to be with someone. I wouldn't want to be with anyone...

But since my wall is cracked and flooding, I want to be with someone...someone to love and to love me in return, it seems to be a lot to ask for these days...The 2 people I want seem blind to the fact or just dont' care...I'm thinking its the latter, there's a 3rd person but...its laughable! TRULY and I'll never tell anyone who she is, ever. Anyway...I'm single and feeling its bitter sting.

Nothing I can do but let myself be loved...you only get as much as you give...I'm screwed and not in the way we all wish :P

1:40 PM
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August 11, 2009 - Tuesday

I die when I cry
Current mood: sad
Here I go again, doubting myself, questioning things...the choices I've made...some recent, others not so recent. Its been a hard month, I didn't think it would be you know? I figured it would pass like the holidays did...lonely without him but for some reason it hurts more than I thought it would...I"m not really depressed I don't think...just very heart broken and there is a difference I know. Depression is more or less an empty feeling of sadness for me...being heartbroken, I"m actually sad for a reason. Its hard to explain, its not an empty feeling, a hopelessness...but it also painful, often physically so. I feel like I'm dying when I cry, hard to breath....lump in my throat. Its not a feeling I"m use to. I think a lot of it has to do with me still not completely open to the idea of actually just breaking down and letting it go, so I make it hard for myself.

My other problem is God...not really God but the Christian Faith, any organized faith. Months ago I chose to believe in nothing because it was easier than having to deal with the worries of everything that faith encompasses. I slept well for the first time in months because I didn't have to worry about it, it was one less thing on my mind...One less fault or sin I had to worry about. I chose it because it was simply easier, I believe in things I can see, touch, and feel. But...easy doesn't always mean true or right does it? I don't know what I believe in, but I can't believe in the twisted versions that the world has made God into be. Hateful, vengeful, angry...I don't believe God is any of these things, I simply can't. I can't say for sure what it is I believe anymore, but I simply can't believe in nothing anymore simply because it was the easiest choice. I wanted to believe in nothing, there was nothing to worry about, no petty praying over stupid things. I can't say I'm a religious woman by any means, spiritual yes. But that doesn't really say what I believe. Before my world was shaken, I knew what I believed in, or better yet, I had a pretty good idea what it was. Beliefs are dangerous, ideas are better to work with...However...I don't know, I'm completely...just lost-I don't know where to turn right now or what I should place my ideas, my faith in...


My heart is broken and it hurts so much more than I thought it would, I never knew it was truly broken until now. Its not fair you know, that he isn't here...he was suppose to take care of us, protect us from the world. I don't know how to deal with the world, I'm so unprepared. He shouldn't of left us but I know it was for the best and there was nothing he could do...nothing anyone could do. But I somehow wish I hadn't given up so quickly, if only we had been stronger in his weakest of moments...encouraged him to keep fighting maybe he could of got better...the doctor wasn't ready to give up, maybe he saw the light at the end of the tunnel when we didn't. and I know it doesn't do any good...at all to play these mind fuck games of wondering how it should of turned out...but I can't always help it you know. I want him back, I know I shouldn't wish it...not when he was hurting so much but I miss him so much and it hurts so much...hurts more and more has the date gets closer to his death. I really was naive about all this, I know...I know we'll be fine but its just so hard, I want so much to be stronger than I am. I've probably gained 10 pounds because I can't stop myself from the emotional eating. I have got to start working out again, I have go to start sleeping again. I'm just so sad right now, sometimes I can't bare to think of how quickly time is moving on without me, how fast everything is going. Its so scary, it truly frightens me...moving frightens me, I don't want to move sometimes, but I hate this apartment so much...but I hate leaving her here just as much, almost more. I looked forward to the move because I thought we were going together and it breaks my heart even more. We're all just moving in all sorts of directions and I don't want to go in direction that takes me from the people I care about but what I can do? I feel like I'm on some wild ride and I can't get off and I don't know where its taking me. I don't know what to do, I feel like crying more than I ever have in my life and its weird...

I always seem to cry when no one is around, I must do that on purpose...not many people have seen my cry, only 2 at the moment that I can remember. I suppose I could wake people up and cry at them but what could would it do? I have a feeling that I'll probably cry again sooner than later, like tomorrow night or something. I can't hold back my tears like I use to anymore, I've cracked the wall enough that once I start, I really can't stop. I"m not as strong as I wish I was, not as...I don't know...but it does make me feel more lonely when I cry and reminds me more of how much I wish he was here...I hate crying.



6:31 AM
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August 3, 2009 - Monday

The Pain of Tears
Current mood: hopeful
I don't think I've ever cried as much as I have on this morning, nearly 4 am. I think I've probably cried for the last hour, to the point of not being able to breath. It's painful to cry, especially when you've lived your entire life without shedding a single tear, living behind a wall so no one could get near. I don't want anyone to tell me it gets easier with time, this crying thing...I'm sure its about to become apart of who I am. I know it does not get easier and all you can do is let go and try to get through the emotional moments of your life and no, its not easy.

I cried for my dad, for my mum, myself, and my siblings. There has been a lot of pain and suffering for everyone. We all endured two years of uncertainty and yet certainty of how it would end. No one wanted it to end, not like that...I wanted it to end though, for everyone's sake because I didn't know how much more I could take or how much more my mother could take of this incredible sadness. But I'm not here to write about the past, my concern is more of the future and where its going, where I'm going.

There is no easy way to say it, but I am terrified and I know Paige keeps telling me that I'd be a fool if I wasn't afraid...I am afraid of losing more than I already have, afraid to move forward with my life and live it but I know I must. There is no other option and my father wouldn't have it any other way. I want to live my life, I do but it comes at a high price sometimes. These fears of the unknown, where I'm going or if I'm even strong enough to get through all this. I'd like to think I am, even if I'm having a rough time of it...I'm still crying, choking on my breaths and trying to pull it back together.

I waited so long, both happily and unhappily for what will happen in two months...moving into a new apartment. I had hoped with everything I was that I could take my roommate with me, I hate and despise the fact I'm leaving her here. I feel like I'm abandoning her and I will lose her to all this. It may be a silly fear but we have both lost a great deal in the last 2 years. I'm scared to live alone but I know that its something I have to do at some point, I don't know what I'm going to do with my time other than improve my talents...but even so I do regret this in a lot of ways and I will probably cry more later for it.

I hate time and the fact that its racing by me, nothing to stop it. Everyone around me is getting older and moving on with life. What I fear the most is my mother growing older and each day brings her closer to the end and the very thought of it drives me back to tears. I just don't know how sane I'll be after I lose her, I hope though that I'll be in a better place...I'll have a foundation where I can stand on my own but right now I can't even think of it. Its too much to believe or even take in. I fear losing her so much, its my nightmare...my true fear in everything, to be without her because I don't think right I could go on without her. I can barely breath now, just thinking of it...but I have to keep moving forward I know...there is no other way but its so hard...so hard to think about. I want to be prepared for the things that will come about later rather than sooner but its hard and I don't know what to do.

The future holds a lot of uncertainties that I'm not quite sure how to prepare for...but then again there is no way to be prepared for this life, all we can do is make the best of it and no its not always easy. But I want to live and I want to be successful in everything I do, its more or less a homage to my mother. But with the future flying our way...comes failures and they are lessons in which we should use to improve ourselves.I don't expect it to be without pain, there so many things in life that do hurt and scar us in ways we wish to hide but its ok to be scarred, heart torn a bit. We're meant to roll into the grave saying, "Wow what a ride!" And I hope that I can feel that way when my numbers up.

Speaking of death...all this sadness and fear...I don't know where I stand in terms of religion or what I believe. I seem to always be in turmoil over it. Trying to break the chains of what I was taught to believe when I was a child. I claimed to be an Atheist and partly believe it to be so...mostly because it was easier. I was speaking to one of older friends who has a similar view to mine and I agree with him:

When a two year old is raped, its a horrible thing...something that can't even be put into words, that much is true. It sickens me when people say, "God was with her, there was a reason for this." If God had a hand in that, I don't want any part of him or his plans. I believe there is Divine being out there but he is in no way interfering with how we live and what we do. Everything that has come about is of man, not God.

More or less a sum up of what he said and I agree...Christians and their believe in God is twisted and sick I think...If there is a God, I think its only a watcher, he created us and gave us the will to do as we pleased. To believe or not believe and to be whatever we choose to be. I can't say whether or not that there is life after this one, and knowing that I'm trying to live this life as I see fit. Either way, I just...want to be in a place spiritually or something...that helps me get comfortable with the idea of death. For a long time I accepted death as it was, something that we all would face and since I was able to be born alone...I can also die peacefully. No this isn't some suicide fueled thought. When you lose a parent, you can't help but question whats beyond this and how trying to deal with it...is not that easy. I suppose I'm trying to make sense of it all somehow. I don't want to fear what we all know is coming, what we all have to face alone...I don't know where I am with my beliefs...for awhile they made sense and I was at peace but I don't know what I believe anymore and I know I have to figure it out for myself...I just wish I could be at peace without medications and I know thats not an option for the time being.


My Heart is indeed very broken, shattered even because of the events that have unfolded in my life...the loss of the man who was our family's foundation is one of the most hardest things I've ever had to come to terms with. It will be a year on August 30th, and I ask those who can be with me on that day...please do. Its going to be a hard month because I know the anniversary of it is coming...and I'm doing exactly what I was doing in that month...in school. A part of me hates the choice I made in coming here while he was sick and in the hospital but I was falling apart in that house...alone for 8 months in a home, hoping and begging whoever out there was listening that he would be ok. I also...hate myself for knowing a year before he died that he wasn't going to make it through this and convincing my mother to let him go. If I hadn't lost hope...or somehow knew he wouldn't make it, if we had just urged him to keep fighting, maybe he would of gotten better with time and he would of been ok.

I feel selfish in alot of ways, giving up, making mum give up too...and running the entire time from him because I couldn't stand to see him suffer the way he did. I ran because I didn't want to watch him die, I couldn't take it. I didn't want to believe, and yet somehow I do and I think I hated myself all the more for it. I didn't want to lose him because it wasn't fair, it feels like all the things I wanted most in life, I never got.

I wanted to keep my father but I knew early on it wasn't possible, I wanted to be alive and I wanted him to be here and most days I'm ok but other days I hate the fact I have to live without him and I envy those of you who have fathers a great deal. No matter how you feel about your parents, you need to cherish and love them while you've got them because time is short...far too short, there is never enough time and we so often take for granted that they will always be there. I know life gets busy but you need to take time to appreciant what you have.

I wish I had taken more time to be with my father in his final months, if I had only knew...but we knew now, we never...ever know how short time is until its far too late.

Despite my regrets, my fears, and my naive nature of the future...we have to keep moving foward, keep going and keep being strong. This is the only life we have, there is no telling how long we have on this planet so we should cherish each and every moment we have...through happyness and sadness. Hold onto the ones you love and never let them go, time is so preicous...

As a good friend of mine said, "You can only make you happy, don't depend on others for it." And I hope with time I can live by that because I know its true but its hard to do...but it must be done.

Final thought: There is hope, there is always hope...even though we can't see it sometimes...its there. We just have to keep believing that we can pull through no matter how heavy our hearts get, we have always have a choice and hope is one of those choices.
3:51 AM
2 Comments
July 27, 2009 - Monday

Self righteous hypocrites
Self righteous hypocrites

Saving face, break down

Losing touch, this calls for a

Conundrum-Freaks condemning

Freaks-its how we roll

Nothing has to make sense

Losing friends as fast we make them

Slash their throats, watch them bleed

Choking on their words

Nothing compares with a thrill kill

Turning back, regret

There is no time, moving forward

Never looking back

I wonder how we are able

To live this way

Look each other in the face

Face ourselves in the mirror

I feel ugly, dirty, and twisted

Blank faces, my perception

Of reality is flawed

By everyone else's

If you know the meaning

Of hate, you don't

We scorn others

Play games like

Its a joke, act

Like no one gets hurt

We all bleed black in the end

Wasted abyss, lonely

People don't have a clue

Get lost, go away

Don't get the meaning of

Your not fitting in

Stick around, get pushed aside

The group no longer cares

If your not one of us

You lose-who's next

Who loses the interest

Of one us-its the group

Mentality at work

All our strings pulled by

the rule of Sociology

Its a joke, pulled together

by karma

Everyone has a voice

No one says a word

Everyone pretends

That it'll go away

Self righteous hypocrites

No one knows the meaning of

Friendship anymore

Its an empty word

Deprived of its value because

Of media, we know nothing anymore

We're all going to hell

Keep the lies flowing

We all believe

Don't question the

Way of things or

Why it works

If your in, your cool

If your out, made the fool

No one says a word

We follow the way,

The group

No one has a real

Voice of their own

Once the tone is set

We follow the script

On Que, we can't

Disappoint our fans

We're all expected

To play along

We're all...

Self righteous hypocrites





6:55 PM
0 Comments
July 27, 2009 - Monday

Assuming
Assuming the panic disorder

Position, the shattered thought

Breaking down in the middle of

A crowd, no one notices the

Shattered moment, its all in

The mind, taking a moment

To breath, losing face, no one

Really knows what it like

To depend on medication

To keep you sane, being tired of being...

Feeling alone, the world crashing down

Picking up the pieces every morning

Exhaling and feeling like your alone

Assume the position of this Panic

Disorder, breath in and let it go

I feel emo, the world has wrecked me

The death of my father is ruining me

Fears of the unknown keep me awake at night

I don't sleep because it means another day

Has gone and I've wasted more time,

Useless and too scared to tell him that I care

I'm tired assuming the position

I'm tired of this dependence on Meds

Feeling so heavy inside

I'm drowning inside, someone give me hand
[ain]

7:04 AM
1 Comments

July 17, 2009 - Friday

I want to unleash!
I want to unleash, tear down the walls of my anger, my rage

But no one ever lets me and some ask how can anyone stop me

From voicing my fury? Respect, a deep respect for those

Who ask me not to...not to voice my anger, not to rock the

Boat, not to make things worse. But the question is truly,

What about what I need, what I want? Why should I

Have to constantly bottle up my emotions so

That there is no drama, no motion in the ocean...

I have to suffer in silence, let my anger boil unnoticed

Just because they...tell me I should, For once in my

Life I'd like to tell someone who tipped my rage,

I want to tell someone off and not have to hide

What I'm feeling all the time...because thats what I'm told to do

Hide my negative feelings so it doesn't change things...

I'm to keep quiet because it might get messy,

I might upset the balance...screw the balance

I want them to know how angry I am,

How much I loath them, how much...

I really don't care, but out of respect my

Frustrations go unheard and unchecked.

I hope your happy because I"m not.
12:30 AM
2 Comments
July 6, 2009 - Monday

I saw the sky upon the wall
Current mood:Falling
Its been an interesting summer, I don't know if I have any regrets yet or not but the answer is probably imminent I do think. I think that I might be living in my head again, I'm not quite sure whats really there anymore, I probably should be on my meds again but at the moment money has become an issue and I won't be getting them any time soon, car had to go into the shop...we think it might be a drunk.

More importantly...its bad when you start seeing writing on the wall and ceilings and you know its not really there. Yes, an awful truth is that I'm reallly starting to see things again and its coming back in full force.

Hit hard last night, couldn't really do anything, didn't want to freak out mum, she's got enough to worry about without me fessing up to a little madness. I don't know what I'm going to do, the only 3 people I trust...welll with one of them I'm not quite sure whats going on anymore

-might be part of the stress here but one can never be too sure under these conditions. Again I think it might be in my head but I don't know, I really don't need this coming at me with the quarter about to start in less than a week. I really don't know what I'm going to do if this gets any worse-

-throw my monitor against the wall and call it good I guess. Really wish the roomie was in tow-

-might make the descent into madness a lot less bumpy-

-we're all mad here-

-Strange feelings for another friend sort of stirring up-

-need to smack them down-

-hard lesson learned-

-nothing good ever comes from these things-

-I'm feeling really panicy and tired lately-

-grin and bear it-

-not really taking me from summer to winter-

-really missing the weather in washington-

-much cheaper rent-

-would save lots of money-

-if I could...afford to move >_<-

-The lakes are really beautiful there-

-not swimmable really but...whateveer-

-Lost train of thought again-

-My mind is racing all sorts of directions and still going no where-

I'm really sick and tired of the push and pull vibe I get from some of my friends-

-leaves me very confused-

-I don't know, I think there might be some regret somewhere about everything thats happened this summer-

-buuut it did take my places I never thought I'd go-

-adventure with a bad twist-

-Anyone taste lemons?-

-we should start a band-

-why?-

-at least the can afford the drugs-

-your a bad influence-

-and your still stuck in summer-

-no band-

-rewind-

-backtrack-

-point in case-

-things are getting a bit weird around here and I don't just mean me-

-well maybe I do-

-truth is I'm a little worried where my mind is going and why-

-Its never a good thing to see things but at least there are no voices-

-yet-

-true but for the moment I'm seeing things in the ceiling fan and writing on the wall-

-there's no one around to catch as you fall-

-mostly because their falling too-

-damn, is there no one around hasn't been broken yet?-

-probably but they don't want you to break them in the process of saving you-

-fuck, what am I suppose to do?-

-save yourself-

-...-

-we're screwed-

-no shit, tell me something I don't know-

-having a conversation with yourself never looks good from any point of view even from a madman's prospective-

-shut up, you started this-

-and your still falling-

-fuck...-

-Another point in case: there's no one around to save you, no one is going to save you, no one cares. They have to keep themselves from falling, how the hell do you expect them to keep you from falling? Especially when you've got some distance already in this dandy little descent of yours-

-...I never thought of that, I guess I am a little selfish, I always expect some saving from someone somewhere but all my friends are indeed mad...but hanging on more effishantly than myself-

-maybe you should talk things out with yourself more often-

-I thought you said talking to yourself was bad-

-whats it really matter when your already mad?-

-I still taste lemons-

-go to sleep-

5:45 PM
2 Comments
June 28, 2009 - Sunday

Sky bus
I'll tell a day by day account of my trip!

Day 1: We get up at 8 am and go to the airport, not too much of an ordeal. Mum gets pulled aside because her hair piece is metal o_O. Whatever, so we sit at a pub for a bit in the airport before we go wait to board, the flight isn't that eventful, the air pressure knocks me out. We land and get the car and our stuff, its a little overwhelming to be in a new place at first, especially when we see Mt. Rainer...huge dormant volcano! So we drive to our hotel, it isn't that hard to find thankfully! We unpack and I let my friend know we're there, she comes over and I'm a bit nervous...meeting people face to face is always a bit scary sometimes. :x But she shows us around a little around downtown, its very hilly and I'm...so very out of shape >_> Heh soo after that she takes us to a great sushi place and I over eat as usual <_< but its ok me and her go to the mall afterward buy some things >D before she takes me on a tour of the city and its really pretty at night o.o all the backroads that only locals know XD Then about 11:30 go back to the hotel and crassh

Day 2: Its decided that we go to Forks which apperently very close to Canada >_> I did not know it would be a 4 hour drive...I sort of felt bad for that. Anyway we go to Forks and the Scenery is amazing, its beyond words...I had never seen anything like that in my life, it was amazing! So we get there...and believe it or not there is not alot going on for Forks other than the Twilight stuff and tour. Its a beautiful place to be but they don't even have a movie theater just a bowling alley and thats...it. Me and my friend go on the tour, it was mainly the stuff about the book but I took pictures of the place anywaysince I did look up info on the book. I have to tell you, still not intersested in reading the books...I will always and forever be about the movies and the good doctor, let me tell you! But even so the tour got Meg to see the movie the next day XD hee. I bought some stuff from forks because I'm a slave to the movies. Ohh on the tour a lady got sick and we had to pull over so she could puke, it was kind of funny but then again not...because...ew >_> But the ride home was sort of epic...mostly because there was a wreck or something....in front of us...wtf? We get to the hote and crassh

Day 2: Me and my mum go to Canada through the Victora Clipper which wasn't bad but I started to suffer from motion sickness and mum got us some pills that were sold on the boat and they said it wouldn't make us sleepy and it did...Very sleepy, a drunk daze almost. So we wonder through Victora in a drunk daze and it sucked. But we got to see alot of the Island and I have to tell you that...its like going to a city in the US the ONLY difference I noted was that it was ALOT cleaner and thats what made it so much more beautiful than a city here. It was nice going, I got some stuff that made me giggle because of the dorkness...Anyway we get back to Seattle and go to the hotel and sort of hang out...then sleep

Day 3: We get up and have lunch with my friend, we go to the beach and wonder up it, I collect rocks while mum collects driftwood. Then we head to a sort where Meg's mum works which is pretty cool, she reminded me of my mum in some ways, really nice ^^ After that we take Meg back cause she has something to do. Me and mum hit downtown, we go to a nice local coffee shop then to a new age store...and we stay there and shooop! Mum wanted to go to the glass muesum but we ran out of time. We go to the hotel and order room service which the food...was ok, not great but ok. Then we craash

Side note: i think it was that night I drowned my phone in the bath tub XD

Day 4: This is our last day in washington-we get up early us and Meg go to a place for breakfast which is really good and after that we went to a farmers market down the street and looekd around, I bought some oil and poppery before we spend the rest of the time at some shops of an older style. At one of them I buy a wedding dress, an old style one for my models and such. After that, we say out goodbyes and go to the airport and take off.

The Landing: This is a story in itself...we get our bags...we know where we are parked but not how to get there...we get taken to level C parking we want HR level C...we wonder around for about 30 minutes. I wonder off to look for the car so mum can rest because its HOT in dallas about 99 degrees at this moment. When I get back she's got everything unpacked and looking for the keys. A guy drives past us and then backs up to see if we need help...mum asks him to take us to our car, I could of killed her. Its a guy we don't know, he doesn't work for the airport...and yea. I thought we would never see our car again. But he takes us to our car, we're a little lost because Tom-Tom things he's still in Seattle...we pull into a mall and I fix his Home range and get us back on the road, we get home and pretty well fucking crash. I'm dizzy and its not coool but we make it home and thats the story!

Another side note: Alot of you know that I've been talking about moving to Washington and asked me if this trip has changed my plans any.
The answers: Only slightly, I want to live closer to Forks, not because of the movie but because of the scenery. It was really breathtaking and I hope to get a house on the lake...and I actually talked to a girl from that area while we were waiting to board for Dallas...she too was going to Dallas and the rent right now for a lake house or apartment is MUUUCCH OMG cheaper than what Dallas is. I'm thinking I'll find another school or whatever to do Photography in near the lake or something But yes...still moving to Washington just not close to the city. Its a beautiful place but I think I'd be happier in the country. ^__^

I'll post pictures sometime tonight! hehe
4:10 PM
4 Comments
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June 14, 2009 - Sunday

Snow
"If I die today burry me in the snow."
Those were the last words I heard her speak
Her story is one I should of know well
But there were signs that I missed
A sad smile that reflected the empties
That only she knew
She hid it well but if you looked
Into her eyes it swallowed
You whole
I should of asked her
More if she really was okay
But every word was a lie
There was nothing I could do
If I held on tighter
She would of withered
Away but I couldn't
help but try and keep her
Close but no matter
What I did...she was
Dying, living in her
Own dream world that was slowly
Turning into a nightmare
Alice had nothing on her
The cracks were
Starting to show, the frailness
Of her own heart shattered
A mirror that reflected everything
She wanted to see, I couldn't
Save her...
"If I die today, burry me in the snow."
I would of given her, her final wish
However we never found her...
The snow covered the blood.
11:00 PM
0 Comments
May 31, 2009 - Sunday

Fuck it all
Current mood: enraged
I'm about to fucking explode on just everyone for the stupid shit that has been going on. I'm going to make it as clear as I possibly can for those of you who just don't fucking get it.

If you have a problem with me or one of my friends tell them, talk to them about it don't fucking tell me about your problems with them. I don't care, I just fucking don't so deal with it. You gotta problem with me, tell me and be mature about it, I'm tired of all the bullshit with these fucking 19 year old's (and up) acting like teeny boppers, its sickening.

I know more about certain situations than some of you think, so I don't need you trying to explain to me whats going on. And for the situations I don't know about...I don't fucking care, I honestly don't, I'm sick of everything and everyone's bullshit because it is, its petty and its fucking stupid.

So in the end, just shut the fuck up.

I'm just tired of it, >___< I don't think any of you are understanding the extend of my rage here...I can usually rant a bit and be ok...but I'm about to fucking snap like a twig, I've heard too much shit...STOP TELLING ME YOUR FUCKING PROBLEMS with someone, I DO NOT care. I got my own problems to deal with so suck it up and shut up, got it? I'm not your fucking shrinks,

Life is tragic, its hard and its not fair, we all should know that by the time we get to college, if you don't, either get a clue or go home, move back with your mummy and daddy. Either way, I don't care, just as long as I don't have to hear fucking whining anymore.

As a side note: Just because someone is nice to you, doesn't mean their nice to everyone else...well no fucking duh, I'm not nice to everyone either because I don't fucking like them. Everyone is like that, if thats news to you...wow, thats sad.
7:41 PM
3 Comments
May 28, 2009 - Thursday

Bullshit, grow up
Current mood:Ashamed of College Studends
I know this isn't going to be that professional but I'm sick of the high school drama that's been going on at school. I'm not quite sure if I want to make this a full out rant or short and unsweet.

The truth is, I know a lot of you are fresh out of high school but you need to get something through your heads-this is college-cut the high school bs, the freakin drama and he said, she said crap. If someone has a problem with someone else, talk to THEM about it, not to everyone else. Because I'm sick of hearing bad mouthing and blah blah and then being nice to their face.

This is COLLEGE not High school, either get your crap together OR go home and grow up more. Either way is fine with me.

not all of you are going to know what I'm talking about-word to the wise- do not ask me.

As you can see, I'm not amused by it like some of you are.
6:44 PM
0 Comments
May 12, 2009 - Tuesday

I wish

I wish I didn't love you
You worry me to death
Your pain is painful
It rips right through me
There's nothing I can do
Nothing I can say
To make you
Believe that life
Isn't always this bad
I wish I didn't love you
But there's nothing I can do
You don't seem to notice
What you put me through
You don't seem to notice
How much I love you
All the time
The energy
And the money
That goes into you
I wish I didn't love you
I wish I didn't love anyone
At least then I wouldn't have to worry
About You or anyone else ever again
But its never that easy
The tragic condition of this
life
Is love
I wish I didn't love you
But I do
Tell me what I'm suppose to do
You worry me to death
But I love you
And I'll always be here for you
Even when your not here...
1:25 AM
0 Comments
May 9, 2009 - Saturday

Write The Wrong

Netley, the Coachman: I just don't know where I am anymore.
Jack the Ripper: There, there Netley. I shall tell you where we are. We're in the darkest region of the human brain, a radiant abyss where men go to find themselves.
Netley, the Coachman: I don't understand, sir.
Jack the Ripper: Hell, Netley. We are in hell.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's just about where I feel right now, I'm pretty happy in general is just that, I"m really...confused when it comes to certain people you know? I'm not quite sure where I stand with them anymore...I just feel like I'm drifting further and further from people and maybe I'm doing it to myself and I don't even know it...sometimes I think my own perspective on reality is rather warped and I don't know how.

Nevertheless maybe instead of wondering I should just ask them point blank, "Are we still close as I use to think we are or is my mental state just fluttering again?" That's the thing about mental illness, everything feels surreal and your not sure if your dreaming things or if what you think really is...really is. I don't know anymore, maybe I'm not as stable as I thought I was before, perhaps I"m slipping away into hell...without some creepy old lady casting a curse on me >_>

But seriously, I don't know if what I feel is really the truth or if its just a fucking dream and I need to wake up. Because if what I feel really is what it is, then that really just tears a piece of my heart up, if its not...these people just need to SMACK me. I just don't know if I'm grounded anymore, what is one to do?

The 2nd thing is this, i found out from my little thing whats been going on

I have an inflamed esophagus, my stomach is pushing up into the hole my esophagus goes down, tearing it, I have something else, starts with G...and I have a hole in my colon, its not leaking, there are still some layers in it.

My doc said I couldn't have sodas or anything with caffeine in it anymore, I have to eat more Veggie stuff annd exercise, I joined the gym today and will work out 4 times a week >_> yeeea

But sadly I"m sure I'll be told even more stuff on the 20th when all my tests and such come in. So there's that, 22 years old and so mcuh damage to my body already. So for now thats my update...any advice
2:18 AM
0 Comments
May 3, 2009 - Sunday

Fucking Hot
Our AC is out, it only feels good when its raining and the door is open, mostly because thats because the temps are down in the 60s >_< Ugh, I haven't been able to sleep in my room in like 2 weeks, half because its too hot and half because I sleep better on the couch. Its sad :/ I think maybe its because its easier to recline on the couch than the bed. and...its just too hot in my room, even with the fan on and in a chair in my face, ugh, I hate it when I can't sleep curled up in a blanket because its too damn hot. Stupid apt ppl. They can't do shit right, its so annoying. They destroyed my bathroom when they came to 'fix' the it. The air unit is above my shower and it was a fucking mess, the shower curtin was off and the lid to the unit was down...I had to stand on my tub railing and put it back...and there was icky shit in my the tub too from shit falling into it. God, they suck so much. >_< I should of moved out a year ago, but then again the heights were built yet.Its just...so hot in the apt, I don't know what we're going to do if it doesn't start working soon. I suppose we should call them out again, but then again what is the fucking point? They'll jsut fuck up my bathroom again and it still won't work, -_-I am looking foward to this week, I go to the doc for a very...invasive procedure...I get a camera shoved up and down me to see if my insides are working right. I'll know right after its done, alot of whats going on, I'll know the rest on may 20th when I go back in for the check up or whatever. And the quarter is going by very quickly, its been sort of easy too, only one class makes me nervous but so far I've done well in it, Pashly hasn't complained too much about my work so thats good. ^^ The other two classes are easy, one humanity class and the other is another layout class...I'm doing pretty well with layout classes o.0 I didn't think I would but its cool. The only thing that trips me up is markers...you fuck up, you do it again...<_< of course the colored Pencils are the same way, but its harder to fuck up on pencils though. Conclution: Ac sucks, falls suck...miss you bunches Mr. M.